2010 was my first NaNo attempt. I had no idea what NaNo was, I just thought it was something the website I visited did, and by the time I figured it was a real, world activity, it was too late for me to do much about it, but I did finish in time, even with a sprained left wrist, and joined NaNoWriMo's official website. But the story is one of those who needs to be re-written. When 2011 rolled around, I was bitten in the rear by the NaNo bug. At first I couldn't decide on a story, but then I remembered a vampire story I started years ago, it was just tid-bits and half ideas, but I went ahead and used it for NaNo. My 2011 NaNo adventure led me to publish said vampire story in two separate books. A Vow of Tears and A Vow of Deception, and sadly something went wrong and my win did not register. NaNo 2012 I finished The Vows series with A Vow of Fate, (with a few tears). I published it April 2013. For NaNo 2013 I re-wrote a fantasy that I wrote years ago, taking place in this and another world. When I rediscovered it as I was going through old, very old files, I wanted to rewrite it. So that's what I did. I published it September 2015. I lovingly called it the NaNo Monster because it is no longer 50,000 words, it is about 188,800 words.
Nano 2014 I was torn. I wanted to finish editing the NaNo Monster, but at the same time I had another story tickling the back of my mind. But on October 31 I decided to NaNo. I got off to a good start without an outline, just a few notes I jotted down after I officially decided to NaNo. Halfway through someone close to me, very close to me, who I thought supported me, shattered my heart, and I stopped writing for a week.
But then I got pissed at them and myself. I got pissed at them because once again they broke my heart, but I was more pissed at myself for letting them do it again. They had done things similar in the past, but I really thought they believed in me. I pulled myself out the depression to finish, but it was in secret. I only wrote when I was alone. As soon as I got to 51,706 words, I stopped and went back to work on the Monster, in secret. I was determined to publish it, not to prove anything to them, but I did it for me and for my son.
All of my stories that I publish, the money I make goes right to him. I have not spent a single cent of it on myself. It has paid for a part of his senior trip and now has paid for a little, a very little, of his freshmen year of college. Don't get me wrong, I love to write and it is a dream of mine, just like other authors, to make a living by writing. But it is hard, there are so many hoops and roadblocks out there that makes one want to give up. Instead of dwelling on the dreams of making it big, I have a smaller goal, my son. To give him something that he can be proud to say that his mother gave to him.
As to that person who hurt me, they did it again. It was just a little piece of my shattered heart that they took over the summer. I had prayed they wouldn't, but they did.
I only told my dad of my published books a few years ago, and since he's been pressuring me to tell the rest of my family. When he got sick it really worried me, so with his girlfriend's help I came off the bookshelf, so my dad could brag about his little girl. Let's just say most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins were in disbelief, but there were a few who were excited and bought a couple of books from me. Some I've heard back from and they loved them while others I'm still waiting to hear from.
But back to that person who shattered my heart; they didn't know what I was planning, they also didn't know that I had published Behind the Vines. (Heck, they had never asked if I even finished my NaNo project and to this day, Oct. 7, they have yet to ask if I'm doing it this year.) When they walked into the room where my books were set up on display, what I saw in their face was what took that piece of my heart. It looked like a mixture of anger with a hint of sadness. They ignored me for the rest of the day and into the next morning. It crushed me more than I'd expected, and it started another round of depression. They did come to me that afternoon, but things between us will never be the same again.
The trust I had in them is gone, and our relationship will never be the same and I have been fighting the impulse to give up. One of the people who has meant so much to me does not believe in me enough to support me, not even just a little. I can't talk to them about my passion, I can no longer confide in them, or even ask their opinions because they don't care. They have shattered my heart and there are pieces lost.
I haven't written anything since I finished Behind the Vines, but I started to this month, working on last year's NaNo, to get myself ready for this year's NaNo. It's hard to sit down in front of the computer to write, every time I do I feel the pain of my shattered heart. But I'm not going to give up on something I love to do because someone doesn't believe in me enough to care, and since they don't, they won't mind if they are the inspiration for a villain in a story.